It is like I keep repeating the same words over and over again. Why do I keep looking back and why is looking forward so frightening? I have been part of this world for over 41 years and thought I had not found my purpose in life. For months I have been focussing on my partner and realise that however wonderful my words and writing might be I continue looking back. It was a great time and I enjoyed every minute of it still thinking that I did not want to lose that feeling and hold on to it forever.
What are the reasons for dwelling on the past, could it be fear of the future? I continuously think of what I don’t have that I become blind to what I do have. A relationship can open something inside us that is hidden away through the reflection of the partners love. Deep inside I am afraid and also too stupid to admit it, after all I am perfect and in control (so I thought!).
Someone said to me recently “You are very lucky in relationships”. My heart started to cry at that moment so hard that it almost exploded. Lucky yes I am! False protection and pretending not to love someone so it won’t hurt so much when it ends seemed like a good idea but ignoring the truth is not! What have I been looking for in life?
Growing up I had a person in my life that I adored and I wanted him to adore me just as much. He was my best friend and everything he did and said was wonderful. He was gentle, intelligent, creative, strong, weak and Mister Perfect. My purpose in life was showing him how wonderful he was and I did everything in my power to let him know. I had no success and sometimes became jealous of others around him and the attention he gave to them. I gave up and spent a lot of time on my own thinking how I could improve and become a better person so he and others would like me. I was scared, alone and could not talk about my fear and pain because I wanted people to believe I was perfect. I felt weak and started to hate myself.
I ran away and created my own world where I was special and people respected and loved the imperfect me. No one but Mister Perfect was allowed to enter this world.
I started my journey of life searching for Mister Perfect, someone I could love and would give me lots of approval and attention. I found someone who needed me to be strong and responsible and I wanted to make this work. His respect for me made me stronger but I could not feel perfect and I started to feel empty, incomplete and unhappy. He did not know because I didn’t tell him that I closed my heart. He was not Mister Perfect for me.
Then I met someone that I loved and adored. He gave me so much back and I named him my Mister Perfect. This was what I was looking for, true love. He made me feel so special and told me every day a thousand times he loved me. He just accepted me for ME and I began to understand the real meaning of love. It is not about being perfect but about giving and receiving, sharing with love and respect and being you. I allowed him to enter my world and just when I started to open up and learned to receive and live, he disappeared. I trusted him, I let him into my heart and he just disappeared. I hated life and found myself standing in the dark feeling lost and alone again. “Have I been here before”? It scared me so much that I ran away. Running away not wanting to face the truth, running away from life, love and most of all myself.
Did I learn anything from this? Sharing and not only giving to get approval, love yourself first and share this with the other person. Why can I not love myself?
I am going back in time trying to understand and I remember my first Mister Perfect. Did he not approve of me? Maybe I forgot to tell him how important he was to me because I was so busy showing to him the perfect me. I was not the only one in his life and maybe I was not open to receive, after all I was not perfect enough. I wanted his approval so much and to show him the real me. Did I ever listen to him telling me that whatever I would choose or do in life would be all right? I could never tell him the truth, how much I needed his approval, how insecure, lonely and frightened I was. If only I could tell him now.
I close my eyes and see him in front of me. Now or never!
“Dad I love you and I think you are the most wonderful person”.
“I am so sorry I could not be there for you when you needed me”
I need to talk and tell the most important person in my life that I do love him and admit that I am not perfect. I just want to tell him all my secrets, trust him, respect him, laugh with him, cry with him, trying to make him understand who I am, being there for him, let him into my heart, showing him my weakness and fear, sharing the rest of my life with him in the real world.
I do not want to be perfect and I am not looking for Mister Perfect. I am learning to love myself, approve and accept myself. I want to give love as much as I want to be able to receive it. I want to live without fear, laugh about my mistakes and enjoy life again.
I feel a hand on my shoulder and this person is giving me love, unconditionally. He whispers in my ear “Open your eyes and most of all your heart”.
I wake up and find myself in the present. The clock is ticking and I do not want to lose more precious time because every day matters. I just want to live again and I have to start today! I am looking at my wall and see a note, in the centre is written: Be Happy! I have been blind and deaf and I need to tell him today!!!!
Every Day Matters! by Caroline Hofstede
It is like I keep repeating the same words over and over again. Why do I keep looking back and why is looking forward so frightening? I have been part of this world for over 41 years and thought I had not found my purpose in life. For months I have been focussing on my partner and realise that however wonderful my words and writing might be I continue looking back. It was a great time and I enjoyed every minute of it still thinking that I did not want to lose that feeling and hold on to it forever.
What are the reasons for dwelling on the past, could it be fear of the future? I continuously think of what I don’t have that I become blind to what I do have. A relationship can open something inside us that is hidden away through the reflection of the partners love. Deep inside I am afraid and also too stupid to admit it, after all I am perfect and in control (so I thought!).
Someone said to me recently “You are very lucky in relationships”. My heart started to cry at that moment so hard that it almost exploded. Lucky yes I am! False protection and pretending not to love someone so it won’t hurt so much when it ends seemed like a good idea but ignoring the truth is not! What have I been looking for in life?
Growing up I had a person in my life that I adored and I wanted him to adore me just as much. He was my best friend and everything he did and said was wonderful. He was gentle, intelligent, creative, strong, weak and Mister Perfect. My purpose in life was showing him how wonderful he was and I did everything in my power to let him know. I had no success and sometimes became jealous of others around him and the attention he gave to them. I gave up and spent a lot of time on my own thinking how I could improve and become a better person so he and others would like me. I was scared, alone and could not talk about my fear and pain because I wanted people to believe I was perfect. I felt weak and started to hate myself.
I ran away and created my own world where I was special and people respected and loved the imperfect me. No one but Mister Perfect was allowed to enter this world.
I started my journey of life searching for Mister Perfect, someone I could love and would give me lots of approval and attention. I found someone who needed me to be strong and responsible and I wanted to make this work. His respect for me made me stronger but I could not feel perfect and I started to feel empty, incomplete and unhappy. He did not know because I didn’t tell him that I closed my heart. He was not Mister Perfect for me.
Then I met someone that I loved and adored. He gave me so much back and I named him my Mister Perfect. This was what I was looking for, true love. He made me feel so special and told me every day a thousand times he loved me. He just accepted me for ME and I began to understand the real meaning of love. It is not about being perfect but about giving and receiving, sharing with love and respect and being you. I allowed him to enter my world and just when I started to open up and learned to receive and live, he disappeared. I trusted him, I let him into my heart and he just disappeared. I hated life and found myself standing in the dark feeling lost and alone again. “Have I been here before”? It scared me so much that I ran away. Running away not wanting to face the truth, running away from life, love and most of all myself.
Did I learn anything from this? Sharing and not only giving to get approval, love yourself first and share this with the other person. Why can I not love myself?
I am going back in time trying to understand and I remember my first Mister Perfect. Did he not approve of me? Maybe I forgot to tell him how important he was to me because I was so busy showing to him the perfect me. I was not the only one in his life and maybe I was not open to receive, after all I was not perfect enough. I wanted his approval so much and to show him the real me. Did I ever listen to him telling me that whatever I would choose or do in life would be all right? I could never tell him the truth, how much I needed his approval, how insecure, lonely and frightened I was. If only I could tell him now.
I close my eyes and see him in front of me. Now or never!
“Dad I love you and I think you are the most wonderful person”.
“I am so sorry I could not be there for you when you needed me”
I need to talk and tell the most important person in my life that I do love him and admit that I am not perfect. I just want to tell him all my secrets, trust him, respect him, laugh with him, cry with him, trying to make him understand who I am, being there for him, let him into my heart, showing him my weakness and fear, sharing the rest of my life with him in the real world.
I do not want to be perfect and I am not looking for Mister Perfect. I am learning to love myself, approve and accept myself. I want to give love as much as I want to be able to receive it. I want to live without fear, laugh about my mistakes and enjoy life again.
I feel a hand on my shoulder and this person is giving me love, unconditionally. He whispers in my ear “Open your eyes and most of all your heart”.
I wake up and find myself in the present. The clock is ticking and I do not want to lose more precious time because every day matters. I just want to live again and I have to start today! I am looking at my wall and see a note, in the centre is written: Be Happy! I have been blind and deaf and I need to tell him today!!!!