Although I didn’t know it had begun, my journey to connecting consciously to my soul purpose started on 10th April 1996. The day my son Jordan died. I can remember the events like it was yesterday. I remember lying in my bath looking down at my stomach and wishing that I could put him back there and make him all better. His suffering was too much and I so dearly wanted him to be well. I was to collect him at 2pm that day and decided to take my daughter who was 1 yr old in to town and buy Jordan a new lighter coat for spring. When I got into town I realized I had no push-chair for my daughter and she had only started walking. In the end I didn’t buy him a coat. I decided I would just go and collect him early.
Nothing prepared me for what was about to happen, but the real strange thing was as I was driving towards the building where he was, I couldn’t take my eyes off of one window in particular. When I arrived and walked in the main area where all the doctors’ and nurses were hovering about. I was totally oblivious to their concern, Natalie my daughter had fallen asleep, so instead of leaving the engine running on the car and going in and getting him. I instinctly turned the car engine off, closed the doors quietly and left her sleeping in her chair.
As soon as the words ‘Jordan has passed away’ started ringing in my ears,I immediately ran up the stairs towards the room the end room with the window that I couldn’t keep my eyes off of.
This event absolutely changed my whole life. I was so bonded with Jordan that it felt like the light had gone out in my life. My heart hurt so much I thought it would break. The only way I could deal with it was to shut it off and make it feel like it wasn’t happening. I went through the funeral process in shock. I was not prepared for him to die. When he died the light truly went out in my life. I had this longing to go and be with him on the other side. I had no interest in continuing my life here without him. I was furious that he was gone. I was furious at God for taking him. I felt the deep agony of my loss. I truly felt my heartache to the depths of my soul. This was the transformational journey inward to my soul.
At the human level all this pain made little sense to me. I kept asking myself ‘what is the purpose of this pain?’ ‘Why is this happening to me?’
Then I had a profound transformational experience in my dining room just 3 days after Jordan’s funeral. I had been sitting outside at the back door watching my daughter Natalie playing in the sunshine. There was this lullaby (baby music) coming from inside the house. I came in and looked all around the floor, thinking it was one of Natalie’s toys, but no. Nothing. I went back and sat outside, but I could still hear it. I was drawn to the top shelf of our unit, where the music was coming from, and I picked up this little pair of china boots. An ornament that I had kept from the birth of Natalie, that had flowers in it initially. I didn’t know they were musical, but the music was definitely coming from the boots. So I turned it over and there was this little switch that had been turned on. No-one else was in the house, the boots were on the top shelf of the unit. At that moment I was suddenly aware that Jordan was there!! I could sense him, smell him. I heard with my inner ear a message very clearly say ‘I’ve come to say goodbye’. I felt something brush my nose. It was the lightest kiss I have ever experienced. But I knew it was a kiss. ( I used to always kiss him on the nose)and his pet name from me to him was (button nose). So I knew it was him!! It all happened so fast I didn’t have time to think or feel. The next moment I burst into tears. I cried from the depths of my being. I didn’t even know why I was crying. I was so overjoyed. I know I lost my fear of death in that moment. On another level I was crying for my loss. I felt my human loss of not being able to hold him, touch him, talk to him on a physical level.
It is very interesting to me that I didn’t feel scared. In the moment there was no time to be scared. Afterwards I only felt the joy and the sadness. I had always believed that being visited by spirit would be very frightening. My experience was completely different to my belief.
Of course, afterwards I began to question my reality and my sanity. Did this really happen? Was it only a dream? Did I just imagine it? Was he really here? Who could I tell this to? Who would believe me? Did I really hear what I thought I heard? Did I really feel a kiss on my nose?
I told my husband as soon as he came home. I wasn’t strong enough in my beliefs to trust my own experience entirely. Ironically the next person I risked telling was the family minister. Gradually I risked telling more and more people.
After this experience I continued on with my life. I went about my daily life wondering about this mystical experience that so deeply changed my perspective on life. I then found that whenever I wondered about him, or even anything spiritual – something would happen.
I would come home to find lights being left on, things going missing, lots of strange things. That is when I decided it was time to look into this a bit more. I started buying books and learning to meditate.
I found that I had a great attraction for angels and had read that you could ask for an angel or a guide to come forward during meditation.
I sat one night and did the breath work exercise for almost half an hour. I was in this altered state and was relaxed, I felt this wonderful seance of peace and bliss. It was like being asleep, yet conscious at the same time. I remember everything was deep black on my inner screen of consciousness. Suddenly a bright blue flash of color startled me awake. I then thought inwardly who is this? What is this? I then heard this deep booming voice say ‘Michael’ and then I thought to myself, hmm, k ‘Michael’, then I heard ‘Arch Angel’. I didn’t hear it with my human ears, I heard it with my inner ears. The voice was so loud it filled my head and whole being. It seemed to resonate over and over inside my head like an echo. There was no doubt about it, it was loud and clear.
Afterwards, I felt extremely tired and had no energy at all. I had this most awful headache and couldn’t understand what was going on. Then a few days later, I realized that I hadn’t grounded, the energy shift was so great that I had become unbalanced. That is when I started to learn how to ground, still, center the mind before meditating.
Thus started on my journey!!